I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
