Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
