I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize