Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
