You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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