How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
