Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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