I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
