The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
