He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
