my phone needs a breathalizer
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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