the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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