DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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