Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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