Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
