like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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