U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
