I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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