while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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