I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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