i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
