I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize