I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
