Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
