im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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