Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
