Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
