How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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