Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
