They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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