Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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