Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
