I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize