We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
