Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
