i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
