I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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