did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Drunk is a universal language darling
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