There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
