i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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