youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
