I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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