I wish my penis had an off switch
It was confusing and full of hummus
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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