Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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