the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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