You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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