i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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