She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
