Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
