Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
