Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize