life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
