this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
