the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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