Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
