Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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