He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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