He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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