FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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