The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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