She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
